A guy I know was passively engaged in a conversation between me and my friend, where we were talking about her only steady casual partner. When asked who the guy we were talking about was, she responded “oh, just the guy I’m stickin’ it to currently.” The guy responded “oh, so you’re just fucking him,” and I wasn’t quite sure how to respond, because that wasn’t exactly true. To him, relationships were either strictly fucking, or the full-meal-relationship-committed-deal.
I’d like to pose an alternative to all the black-and-white believers out there: The Grey Zone. This is where you have sex, have fun, be friends, have sex with other people, and communicate bluntly with everyone to make sure no one’s getting hurt. You’re getting laid, you’re getting snuggled, and you’re able to focus on yourself and the shit that’s important to you. For people who are not looking for the emotional investment of a committed relationship (which I’m not knocking, by any means), this is more like “The Golden Zone”, but we’ll stick to “Grey Area” for now.
The funny thing about The Grey Zone is that it’s full of boundaries. Successful people in The Grey Zone are almost painfully clear about what they’re looking for, be it sex, sex and cuddles, friends with benefits, fuck-buddies, open relationship partners, etc. Communication is key in The Grey Zone. Nobody wants to get hurt, or misunderstood. Nobody wants to be the guy in the corner who thought they were really connecting with the girl who only wanted sex. Nobody wants to be the girl who thought she was clear about her desire for a friends-with-benefits situation only to be crushed when her partner tells her they prefer just spending time with her in bed. Upfront and blunt is the way to go in these parts.
Once you’ve established what you’re looking for (and get used to talking about sex in a sex-positive way, you’re going to need that), there’s a few basic rules you should probably follow.
1) Respect your partners. Your prospective partner (we hope) is human. Treat them as such. Don’t be insulting. Be friendly, and care about them enough to be discreet. It’s always better to err on the side of caution here, but friendly acknowledgements outside the bedroom rarely go amiss. Above all, respect the decisions your partners make about your grey area. If you can’t deal with where they’re at, move on.
2) Be careful. Use protection. Get tested after each new partner. It’s a bit of a hassle, but it’s less of a hassle than chlamydia (or worse). Remember, lots of these things don’t even have symptoms.
3) Be honest. If you have an STI, be honest with your partners about the risk of infection, and allow them to make their own decision about having relations with you. Many STIs can be blocked by barrier protection, but it is paramount that they understand what the odds are.
4) Be nice. This is starting to sound like common sense, right? Be nice to your partners. You don’t need to write them sonnets or love songs or even hold their hand if that’s not what you’re into, but you have to be nice to them. They are allowing you into their personal space. Respect that, and don’t make them regret it by being aloof, disrespectful, rude, or insulting.
5) Be clear. When your time in The Grey Area is up, or you and your partner are no longer on the same page, be clear. Following the above points, kindly and courteously explain to them that you’re not feeling it anymore. This is not a breakup. I repeat, this is not a breakup. Please do not treat it as such. If you feel you are not on the same page as your partner, ask them. If this turns out to be so, adjust yourselves accordingly. The most common mistake in this category is misunderstandings, so please, be prompt and clear with your partners.
You may have realized that all these rules could be a rulebook for treating people in general. It is. It’s just extra-important when you’re dealing with less clothing, wouldn’t you agree? Now go get ‘em, tiger/ess. Happy trails.
Love,
English
thisishowwemonday 